Tag Archive | thoughts

COVID Diaries: Day 273

There’s been some good news and bad news in my COVID life…  So perhaps we should break this out.

The bad news:

  • It’s almost winter.  It feels like we really didn’t get a summer this year and now we have to jump right back into winter!  Other than snowshoeing, this is not my favorite season!
  • Things are locked down tight again. We aren’t supposed to gather outside of our immediate household, and aren’t supposed to travel, and can’t even go out to eat at a restaurant!  So, I’ll be back to my own mediocre home cooking…
  • It’s dark.  It’s still pretty dark when I “arrive” at work (having had the grueling walk to the spare room commute).  And it’s dark when I’m done working for the day.  That’s hard on the soul.

The good news:

  • The vaccine news is certainly good!  In 9 months they have fast-tracked three vaccines!  Hopefully they will prove to be both safe and effective; it will be interesting to see how the roll-out goes.
  • The winter solstice is in less than a week, so it will start to get light again!
  • I have plenty of puzzles to keep me occupied.
  • Not been able to go out and be social gives me more time to do some reading!
  • Maybe this will be the winter that I go for some drives to find noteworthy things to photograph.  I would like to do more of that, and it seems like a perfect opportunity!

Until all this is over, I’ll be dreaming of travel and wide open spaces.

Badlands National Park

How about you?  Are you finding ways to make this lockdown more tolerable?

COVID Diaries: Day 199

Well lookie there, we are almost at 200 days of this “new normal.” Blech.

I went clothes shopping in the new normal last night. Which consisted of me buying four pairs of jeans, taking them over to my friend’s house, which is closer to the store, trying them all on, and returning the other three to the store. Someone please tell me how this makes sense.

It has made for some quiet weekends and busy work weeks. I did have a great little day trip over to the island with a few girlfriends on the last weekend of summer. The boat ride was incredible, the weather was perfect, and we had fun poking around in shops and laughing so hard we cried. We even saw porpoises from the boat! Girlfriends are the best.

Then the weather turned to fall with a vengeance. High winds and heavy rain for several days. Fun. It did clear out the smoke though! In the last couple of days the smoke has closed in again, but not to the same degree. There’s hope that it will go away starting tomorrow. It irritates my eyes and my throat…

I’m definitely not ready for winter. With everything being so messed up this year, it feels like we shouldn’t even have to count it! We should get to skip winter and start in the spring! It seems like a good idea to me, but I doubt I’m going to be able to get this plan off the ground.

At least it is the weekend!

COVID Diaries: Day 131

We have now been at this for over four months.  Four months!  I’m tired.  It feels like one endless cycle of workdays and weekends, with the occasional grocery shopping trip.  Well, who am I kidding.  It has been that endless cycle – the furthest I have traveled in the last four months has been to work, and even that is very rare.  I need a vacation!

I’m still trying to keep track of an endless series of rules and guidelines.  Last week I could still eat inside in a restaurant but this week that’s banned.  You are supposed to wear a mask in public, which is simple enough and has been in place for weeks, but apparently being at home with people you don’t live with is now “in public.”  That’s new.  How are people supposed to keep up?  I still haven’t been able to get a haircut and now I wonder if I’ll get in before that rule changes again. Good thing I don’t dye my hair or have a fancy hairstyle.

This week in the sermon the priest said, “hell is an absence of anything and everything but yourself.  Do you really want to spend an eternity with just you?”  He wasn’t talking about COVID, but it certainly felt relevant.  Of course, lately I’ve been feeling like maybe that’s not so bad.  The ranting, the judgment, the call out and cancel culture, and some people’s beliefs that their opinions are the only right opinions – it is wearing on me.

The sun has been out though, and I have been spending some time on the deck reading.  COVID is definitely a boost for churning through books!

Thursday night I went with Lelani to the beach after work.  We picked up fried chicken dinners from the grocery store along the way, hiked in and relaxed while drinking wine from a can with our dinners.  An impromptu photo shoot and my sassy mood resulted in my new favorite photo of myself!  The weather was windy and slightly chilly, my hair was a mess, but the waves on the shore did the trick.  This girl’s soul needs the ocean.

My sassy self!

That hair!

I have also been working on pruning some of the big shrubs and trees in the yard; they were badly pruned five years ago (not by me), and they have finally grown back in the right places to attempt to prune them back into a better shape.

I pinched a nerve in my right shoulder a few weeks ago and ouch!  It has been painful.  Hopefully a second trip to the chiropractor this week will have me on the mend; it is not fun!

Last night I went to a very small BBQ, and had salmon, shrimp and home grown zucchini.  I brought the wine.  It was a rye barrel aged red blend from Beringer, and it was quite good!  It was this month’s wine club red, and it was certainly not something I would pick on my own, so it was great to be introduced to something new!  It paired well with a warm evening and good company.

I hope you are all well, and able to get out and enjoy the summer!

I Chose You

I have never been a person who has done much fighting back.  I’m generally pretty quiet; an introvert, someone who doesn’t make waves.  A rule follower.  Mostly I’ll listen, and assess, or detach to protect myself, but I won’t typically engage.

You can say a lot to me without getting a reaction.  I have mellowed over time; I used to get more worked up, but now I have more of a tendency to go numb.  Conditioning over a lifetime I suppose, and a career where you have to make some people unhappy.  I rarely say much back in these situations; I tend more towards thinking up all the brilliant things I should have said later…  But quiet is likely better anyway.  If it will come to the same result, it seems the path of least resistance at least gets it over with more quickly.  Maybe it isn’t the best strategy; I’m sure that can be debated until the end of time.

Perhaps that gives people the impression that I’m meek.  That isn’t it.  I have simply learned that to engage is rarely productive; by the time you are done lobbing whatever negative opinion you have of me, there isn’t much that I will be able to say to change your mind.  Your hurtful words come from a lifetime of your own hurt, and aren’t likely to truly be about me.  I have learned that lesson more times than I care to remember.  When your goal is not to help but to hurt, the message has lost its meaning.  And whatever I have to say in response won’t be heard, or received, or considered.  I will be talking to ears that hear but cannot listen, and ears that cannot listen cannot change or understand.

My choice is to disengage.  To say I tried, but I could not overcome.  To say that I loved, but it wasn’t enough.  To say that I still love, but I had to let go.  The only one I can change is myself.

The last words I ever wrote to you were, “I wanted us.”  Don’t you know I would have followed you anywhere?  It seems that you got so busy fighting your imaginary rivals, that you forgot that I had chosen you.