Tag Archive | deep thoughts

Choose Kindness

This year has been the holy hell of years.

For me, at first it was the the losses.  Losing my horse, relationship and friend within 6 weeks of each other in the middle of the worst part of the lockdown last spring.  It’s been the isolation.  The loneliness.

At the beginning of the pandemic, these were the things that were getting me down.

But lately, it is something else entirely.  We are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  People should be filled with hope.  It is spring; the light is back and the weather is better.  But I’m struggling…  I’ve been thinking a lot, trying to figure out why.

Lately, it has been the absolute vitriol that emits from the mouths (and fingers) of people who once were (or at least seemed) kind and reasonable.  It’s the disregard for people’s feelings; it has turned into hatred for anyone who doesn’t agree with them.  It’s the not knowing anymore who you can trust; it’s best to say nothing rather than cross someone.  It’s the lies, the twisting of facts and the misrepresentation by meme…

I see some of my friends’ social media posts laced with profanity, name-calling anyone who might disagree with them.  I see other friends using an opposite tactic – the I’m so enlightened/morally superior and I just can’t understand those morally inferior peons that believe something different.  It’s tiring.  It’s draining.  The only thing I know is that opinions are like @s$h*l&s; everybody has one and they all stink…

I wonder if people think about the fact that you might someday need that person who has a different viewpoint than you.  Maybe they have an in at that job you really want.  Maybe they own that horse that your daughter really wants to ride.  Maybe they can pull a few strings to get your husband that oncology consult…  Why napalm the bridge?  Maybe kindness really is the best policy. It used to be that you helped your neighbor.  Now it seems like you first ask them to fill out a 5 page questionnaire to find out if their opinions align with yours… When did we stop being kind?

If it is draining for me to see so much hatred, I wonder how tiring it must be for them to carry it in their hearts.  And I tell you, I am exhausted.  Like about to go take a Vitamin D supplement and an Iron pill exhausted.

Please people.  What happened to lifting each other up?  What happened to straightening each others’ crowns?  What happened to the Golden Rule?  Listen to hear and learn, rather than to respond.  This world won’t last very long if we don’t stop trying to tear each other down.

As for me, I’ll keep trying to claw my way back to happy.  It hasn’t been easy.  I haven’t been ok.  There are days when I feel so let down by people that I want to give up and move to an off-grid cabin in the woods.  I’m not quite ready to give up though…

“She knows who she is. She just forgot for a little while.” ― Donald Miller

COVID Diaries: Day 374

The weekend has arrived again!  I had to work yesterday on my day off, as one of my employees had a family emergency, so it was nice when the workday was finally over! 

I had a friends dinner date on Thursday night at a new pho restaurant in town.  So simple and so delicious!  It’s so nice to be able to eat in a restaurant again.  We followed it up with a walk to the University, since it is now light out later in the evening. 

Friday night I took a long walk in the Arboretum, and then back down through the University.  It’s so nice to have this wooded park just a few blocks from my front door. Afterwards, I tried a new Raspberry Lemonade canned wine.  It was ok; not great, not terrible.

Today I had to do the unpleasant task of buying a new washer.  Why are these things so expensive and why oh why can they not make quality things the way they used to?  In my first house, the dishwasher was 42 years old and still worked fine.  You are lucky if you get 7 years out of an appliance these days.  But I am now the proud owner of a brand new Speed Queen top loading washing machine with exactly no bells and whistles, which is exactly how I think it ought to be.  Hopefully it will last… 

To reward myself for getting this chore done, I went to the Lost Giants cidery and got a 6-pack of their new Passionfruit Guava cider.  It is soooo good! 

I hope you are all having a fantastic weekend!

 

COVID Diaries: Day 370

We launched into spring last weekend with a gorgeous sunny day!  Haha – just kidding – I wish.  It rained.  Pretty much all weekend.

That didn’t stop me from taking a long walk in the rain on Saturday, but I must admit that the rest of the weekend I was lazy.  I made chili with bratwurst meat, which seemed to fit the still-wintery gloom.

A year ago (shortly before COVID) I found a rock polisher at Goodwill and snatched it up for $12.99.  However, there it sat, unused, because I couldn’t figure out how to get the lid to seal when you put the rocks, grit and water in it.  The instructions I found online weren’t very helpful.  A few weeks ago though, a friend showed me how it works, and now I’m on a roll, happily tumbling the few rocks I had collected.  I swapped them out to change the grit this last weekend and they are definitely starting to shine up!  I can’t wait to see how this batch turns out!  Of course, this means I need to find some more rocks, so next time I have a complete batch to polish.

I have been told many times that my interests are those of much older people.  History, battlefields, antiques, rocks, etc.  I suppose they are right.  I don’t care though.  I’ll retire early and travel, visit battlefields and collect rocks, and be happy.

Yesterday I was rummaging through a box of old postcards that were sent to my grandparents and aunts between the 1960s and the 1980s.  I found one from Nebraska, three days after my parents’ wedding in 1968.  They drove from Michigan to California, where my Dad was already working.  Mom was unimpressed with Nebraska, per her postcard narrative.  She doesn’t remember this, but it made me smile.  I still haven’t made it to Nebraska – I wonder if I will be more impressed.

Last night I finished a Thomas Kinkade puzzle that I had gotten at Goodwill a few years ago.  It was hard!  But thankfully it had all its pieces, and the English cottage scene makes me want to jet off to the real English countryside.  It’s either that or bake myself in the Arizona sun, to try to tan away the nearly translucent skin I acquire each winter.  Some hiking in Sedona sounds really good about now, but of course, it is still far colder there than it is here in the Pacific Northwest.

This coming weekend marks my two-year anniversary at my job, and my raise!  Woot woot!

Happy Tuesday, Peeps.  I hope you are well.

COVID Diaries: Day 172

September…  2020 is 2/3rds over!  Maybe I’ll survive this year yet!

COVID leaves me a lot of time to think.  Some are ridiculous thoughts like suggesting to my staff that we have a PEEPS diorama contest at work next Easter (this idea was wholeheartedly embraced).  Some are more serious, like putting in the work I need to do in healing.  I started seeing a therapist again, for all the things I bottle up.  We talked early on about how I have experienced an incredible amount of loss in the last few years (to put it mildly)…  I don’t often swear on this blog, but a phrase one of my former employees often said comes to mind…  “What fresh fuckery is this?!?  I think it’s going ok, but that work is damned hard.

I’ve been feeling a bit of writer’s block and it’s making it hard to be more active on this blog.  I’m hoping to get my writing mojo back, but I’m trying to be gentle with myself.

I’m still getting quite a bit of hiking in, with weekly forays into the mountains.  That is good for my soul…

I also keep up on my typical walks and even a swim in the lake!  Two girlfriends and I hired a fitness coach to design a core strength workout routine that we can do at home. I get plenty of cardio in, but I need to do more strength training.  So far it is going well but my quads sure did hurt!

And big news!  I planned a little trip coming up.  The seats are coming back out of the car and the bed is going back in!  It has been since early March that I have traveled, with the exception of one two-night camping trip in the next county down, and do I ever need it!  I’m going to do some days of high desert and then hit the coast for some camping at the beach.  Variety!  I haven’t traveled alone in almost two years, except for one work conference, so I’ll have to get back into my solo groove.

I hope you are all having a good Labor Day Weekend, so far!

COVID Diaries: Day 157

It’s the weekend! And the weekend is very much needed.

It also poured down rain last night and part of today.  I have to admit, that was much needed too.

My aunt and uncle were in town this week, so I got to spend three evenings with them.  That was fun – I always enjoy my time with them and I know my mom does too.

Last night my girlfriend Tiffany came over and we had dinner and went for a walk.  She is my oldest friend – we’ve been friends since she was 5 and I was 7! I don’t even want to say how long ago that was…

Tomorrow I’m going hiking with two other girlfriends.  It is going to be back to sunshine, and I’m so excited!

Happy Friday!

COVID Diaries: Day 133

Today our Governor suspended any movement through the reopening phases that he implemented several months ago.  Indefinitely.  The lock-down will continue.  I feel like we will never be done with this…

I’m having trouble adulting this week.  I’m tired of COVID, I’m tired of immature people, I’m tired of seeing so many people suffering.

So to provide something a bit more light, here are some things I’ve learned in lock-down.

  1. In an average week, I spend approximately 95% of my time alone; I’ve been loosely keeping track.  One week recently I got down to 90%; that was unusual.  No wonder I get lonely.
  2. On the marshmallow roasting curve, I’m a four.
  3. Since the lock-down began, I have read 19 books.
  4. I’m really, really craving a Scotch egg.
  5. I seriously think of taking the seats back out of my car, putting the bed back in, and taking off.  Every. Single. Day.  This leads to a lot of obsessing about my early retirement…
  6. I have done four puzzles since the lock-down started, but haven’t done any in the last month or so.  Maybe I should start a new one.
  7. Last night was the first night this summer that it was too hot too sleep.  I consider that an improvement from July 1, when I had to turn the heat back on.
  8. Recently I discovered that Costco is selling boozy otter pops and I may now be ruined for life.  Genius!
  9. Google “I smell like beef,” and watch the Katie Ryan YouTube video.  Trust me.
  10. Today I ate what was suspiciously like a Cheese Puff; it was in my bag of Cheetos.  It was all light and puffy and gross.  This describes everything that’s wrong with 2020.  There is no room in the world for cheese puffs.  2020 is a cheese puff.

But remember… We’ll get through this.  Together, but separate…

Puzzle Thoughts

Last weekend at the cabin, I spent a lot of time working on a puzzle.  I was able to finish it that weekend with help from Lelani and Laura.  It got me thinking about perspective.  When you are working on a puzzle, sometimes you just need to step away from it for a bit, or look at it from a different angle.  Move around to the other side.  Don’t give up; just keep trying, but take a break before getting back to it.  It lets you see something you couldn’t see before.

I think my puzzle perspective is applicable in career and life too.  I have a few things going on in my life that require patience, and not knowing, and having faith that things will work out for the best.  I’ll have to take my own advice, sit back and get a new perspective.

It’s been four weeks since my surgery, and thankfully last week’s snow is gone so I can get out of the house!  I’m not ordinarily bothered by walking if there is snow, but snow, ice and my big hill combined were a bit more than I could manage while I’m still healing.  Good thing I was able to work from home!  I did head out for some short excursions to the bottom of the hill, and definitely felt it on the way back up!

I still get tired if I exert myself too much, so I’m working on stamina.  Besides that, it just bothers me when my clothes rub on my incision.  Which is pretty much constant, but mostly just an annoyance.  I’m still not supposed to lift more than 15 pounds…  I can’t carry tubs of yard debris, so I have to make a lot of little trips.  No pushing wheelbarrows…  No vacuuming or raking…  No lifting bags of horse feed…  No core exercises…  Healing seems to be a lot of don’ts…  I can’t wait until I get cleared to do my regular routine!

Healing clearly gives me a lot of time to think!