Tag Archive | broken heart

Memorial

Hey you…

You weren’t supposed to die this soon. You weren’t supposed to die like this. You weren’t supposed to leave me wondering if I’m now at that age where my people die.

We didn’t want the same thing out of life.  I was the shy introvert who always felt awkward around your friends. You were the larger than life extrovert. I wanted the quiet career and the white picket fence (I still don’t have that fence by the way).  But for that four years starting with the Halloween after I turned 18, you were my people. My first roommate. My first adult relationship. The one who taught me about love.

You wanted to be in a metal band. To make it big. I hated metal and wanted to be in bed by 9:30 – well maybe midnight back then… You stayed out all night going to band practice and playing Dungeons and Dragons, while I studied and watched M*A*S*H before bed. I never worried about what you were up to because band practice and Dungeons and Dragons was your obsession. I knew where you had been because the smell of that damned pizza on your sweat when you crawled into bed.

You were a genius. One of the smartest people I ever knew. You knew so much about history. We used to talk about it when I was learning things in school. I always wondered why you didn’t want to go back and get a degree. 

We shared my car until you got your own.  You borrowed the money from my parents.  Do you remember how you would get off work late on the day the payment was due, and even though I would try to convince you to do it tomorrow, you insisted on driving over to my parents house that night so you could make the payment on time.  My dad always respected that about you.  I wonder if you have seen dad up there in Heaven and have had the chance to catch up. 

You bought me my first legal drink at 21.  You nursed my hangover when that night ended up like most 21 year old birthdays do.  You made sure I didn’t feel so adrift at parties.  You were always a better cook than me. And your bathroom habits set the standard to which I compare every man since you. Every parent should teach their sons so well how to keep a bathroom clean.

We had lots of good days together, as broke kids just starting out, even though we were destined to go our separate ways. I loved you. You were kind. You treated me well. Those who came after you could have learned a thing or many from you.

We stayed friends after we broke up, after we got through that awkward phase.  I hope we both recognized we were good people who just wanted something different from life. I know I always thought you were a good man.

I see all your friends’ tributes to you on Facebook, and I feel removed from them. Most of them don’t know me. I came from a time before. My pictures are from a time when we almost children.  Now your oldest daughter is older than we were then.  My pictures have fresh young faces unmarked by time, and the weight of life. But I see the grief in your friends’ words, and I feel that too. I feel their pain. I feel what they feel so profoundly that it makes my heart ache and the tears fall in torrents.

I could never get behind all those cheesy sayings you did later on.  It’s the introvert in me. It’s the Virgo in me too.  I never wanted to be on stage, to be the center of attention the way you did. But you connected people with those cheesy sayings and made people feel valued and seen. That was your gift. I wish more people had that gift and used it. I wish some of the men that came since you had that gift and used it.

God speed Jeff. I know your soul is free and you will shine down on me and everybody else who is hurting with your loss. Vaya con Dios.

April 27, 1975 – May 25, 2021

 

COVID Diaries: Day 142

Whelp…  It’s a new month – the jury is still out on whether it will prove to be just another disaster like every month since March. So far we would have already survived the flood three times over…  Let that sink in.

I have continued trying to clear my backlog of assorted teas, and started on a new box today.  It’s one I bought when I went to the Capilano Suspension Bridge last December; it came in a cute little tea tin of Blueberry Icewine Ceylon tea.  It sounded like it would be really good!  Not gonna lie – ugh…  I’m not sure I’ll be able to drink this stuff.  Perhaps I’ll do a taste test to see if this one beats Chamomile on the gross factor.

Work is kicking my ass.  I’m in the final phases of a couple huge projects and one that will be going for a while.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but I just need to keep walking…

I have also spent a lot of time wondering how someone can just one day decide they don’t love you anymore and disappear.  You go from being the light of their life to someone who can’t do anything right, to discarded, while you are still trying to figure out why they couldn’t just treat you like they did at the beginning.  I have never been someone who could do that.  It’s an exercise in futility trying to understand people and their motivations, but often I can’t help myself.

I have also decided to try to clear my backlog of assorted beers.  I’m not much of a beer drinker, so I end up with random portions of six packs that will sit in my fridge until the end of time…  I mean who knew my brother is the only man on earth who doesn’t like IPA?  COVID definitely ensures my friends aren’t coming over.  So far that’s going better than the current phase of the tea challenge!

 

Just one more day before the weekend! I can do this!